In “the Ayah” Bari Ta’aala has ordained us about our attitudes, behaviour and duties to
our parents and repeats it many times in the Holy Quran. I see a special need of deliberating on them because the Western trend and culture of demeaning age and seniority and frowning on conformity is now world wide; the father is labelled as the “old man” very early in life. This is specially so in Muslim immigrant families. To start with, let me reinforce with some additional ayahs on this subject beginning with the one that immediately follows the ayah of our discussion: [3] (translations by Yusuf Ali)1) “And lower unto them the wing of submission (or humility) through mercy, and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little.” !
2) “We have enjoined on man kindness to parents: but if they (either of them) strive (to force) thee to join with Me (in worship) anything of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not. Ye have (all) to return to me, and I will tell you (the truth) of all that ye did.” !
3) “We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth.” !
4) “And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), “Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way of those who turn to me (in love): in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did.” !
5) “They ask thee what they should spend (In charity). Say: Whatever ye spend that is good, is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And whatever ye do that is good, -Allah knoweth it well.” !
6) “……..For parents, a sixth share of the inheritance to each, if the deceased left children; if no children, and the parents are the (only) heirs, the mother has a third; if the deceased Left brothers (or sisters) the mother has a sixth. (The distribution in all cases (‘s) after the payment of legacies and debts. Ye know not whether your parents or your children are nearest to you in benefit. These are settled portions ordained by Allah; and Allah is All-knowing, Al-wise.” !
7) ”O our Lord! cover (us) with Thy Forgiveness – me, my parents, and (all) Believers, on the Day that the Reckoning will be established!” !
8) ”O my Lord! Forgive me, my parents, all who enter my house in Faith……. !
Through out Human history, all societies, cultures and religions have given a special position of honor to Parents in recognition of the pain, suffering, effort, treasure and sacrifices that they endured to see a tiny little doll in their arms grow into a strong struggling person. Islam takes this trend to its pinnacle by enforcing this with Divine Commandments. Obedience and respect to parents is wajib/fard on children. On the other hand Aq al-Waledain — disobedience to parents — is one of the Great Sins i.e. Gunah-e-Kabira. Likewise the parents have been assigned duties and responsibilities to cater to all the physical, educational and religious needs of the child and to ensure a happy and balanced individual. They will be accountable on the Day of Judgement for any dereliction of this duty. The parent-child code of behavior in Islam is unique. It is a life long process. Not only, is it mutual and reciprocal but it is a dynamic relationship: it changes in quantity and direction as both of them grow in age and knowledge. !
Dr. Mohammed Asad, commenting on this ayah says “Whereas God is the real, ultimate cause of man’s coming to life, his parents are its outward, immediate cause: and so the preceding call to God is followed by the injunction to honour and cherish one’s parents.” He adds that in Arabic, uff is a word or sound indicative of contempt, dislike or disgust. !
Maulana Mufti Mohammed Shafi has discussed the Quranic injunctions for the Parents at length in an appealing and effective manner. I will be dipping into it frequently to lend scholarly authority to my discourse.
As noted above the ayah starts with the command to worship Allah alone and then goes on to add the injunctions to be good and dutiful to our Parents raising this duty to the status of wajib/fard on us, as pointed out by Imam al-Qurtubi. A similar instruction is made elsewhere “Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents:” (See no. 4 in the list above)
where the mandatory need to thank Allah Ta’aala Subhanahoo has been combined with the need to thank one’s parents. “This proves”, according to Mufti Mohammed Shafi “that after the obligation of worshipping the most exalted Allah, obeying parents is most important and being grateful to parents, like being grateful to Allah Ta’aala is wajib.” This view is supported by a hadith : A person reportedly asked the Holy Prophet “which is the most favored deed in the sight of Allah”. “Salah at its time.” The person again asked “ Which is the most favored deed after that?” To that he said “Treating parents well” !(Qurtabi; Sahih Bukhari).
A number of Ahaadith, from Tafseer Mazhari emphasize the importance of duty and respect for parents:
1) In the Musnad of Ahmed, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah and Mustadrak Hakim, it has been reported on sound authority from Sayyidna Abu ‘d Darda that the Holy Prophet said “ A father is the main gate of Jannah. Now it is unto you to preserve it or wasteit.”
2) According to a report from Sayyidna Abdullah Ibn Umer appearing in Jami Al Tirmidhi and al-Mustadrak of al- Hakim (which Hakim rates as Sahih) the Holy Prophet said “The pleasure of Allah is in pleasure of a Father and the displeasure ofAllah is in the displeasure of a father.”
3) Ibn Majah reports on the authority of Sayyidna Abu Ummah that a person asked the Holy Prophet “What rights do parents have on their children?” He said “They both are your Paradise or Hell.” It means that obeying and serving parents take one to Jannah and their disobedience and displeasure to Jahannam.
4) Al Baihaqi (in Sh’uab al Iman) and Ibn Asakir have reported on the authority of Sayyidna Ibn Abbas that the Holy Prophet said “For one who remained obedient to his parents for the sake of Allah two gates of Paradise will remain open. And for one who disobeyed them two gates of hell shall remain open, and if he has only one of the two, either father or mother, then, one gate (of Paradise or Hell shall remain open). Thereupon some one asked, “Does it (the warning of hell) hold good even when the parents have been unjust to this person?” Then he said thrice “even if theyare unjust, even if they are unjust, even if they are unjust.” Mufti Mohammed Shafi comments “The outcome is that children have no right to settle scores with theirparents. If they have been unjust, it does not follow that they too can back out fromobeying and serving them.”
5) Al-Baihaqi has reported on the authority of Sayyidna Abdullah Ibn Abbas that the Holy Prophet said, “An obedient son who looks at his parents with mercy and affection receives the reward of one accepted Hajj against every such look casted.” People around said, “What if he were to look at them like that a hundred times during the day?’ He said “Yes, a hundred times, too (he will keep receiving that reward). Allah is great (HIS treasures never run short).”
6) Imam Ja’far al-Sadiq, the great-great-grandson of the Prophet Muhammad is reported to have quoted Sayyidna Ali that, “disobedience to parents is a major sin.” He also stated that, “if a person looks at the face of his or her parents with wrathful eyes, despite the fact that injustice was done to him or her by the parents, his or her salah (prayer) will not be accepted by God.”
7) According to one of the Hadith-e-Qudsi about the status of parents: “God has commanded that if anybody prays equal to the invocations performed by the prophets, such prayers will do no good if that person has been cursed by his or her parents.” Lastly their is a hadith to suggest that the punishment for failing in one’s duty to parents may be meted out in his life time:
8) In Shu’ab al-Imam, al-Baihaqui has reported on the authority of Sayyidna Abu Bakrah that the Holy Prophet said, “As for all those other sins, Allah Ta’aala defers whichever HE wills unto the last day of Qiyamah – except the sin of depriving theparents of their rights and disobeying them. The punishment for that is given, muchbefore comes the hereafter, right here in this world as well.”
Allah Ta’aala has made it very clear in HIS Book (nos. 2 and 4 in the list above) that the obedience to parents is wajib/fard only in what is permissible; definitely not in what is sinful. There is a hadith to elaborate on this: “There is not obedience to the created in the disobedience of the Creator.”
It would be a great relief and pleasure for the newly converts and inter-faith marriages to realise that Non-Muslims parents deserve the same respect from their Muslim children. The Quran declares (No. 4 in the list above): “……yet bear them company in this life with justice ,,,,(and consideration).” This ruling is additionally supported by an event quoted by Imam al-Qurtubi: Sayyida Asma asked the Holy Prophet “My mother, a Mushriq comes to see me. Is it permissible to entertain her?” He replied “sile Ummaki” (i.e. respect the bond of relationship with your mother and entertain her).”
Quoting various ahaadith, Mufti Mohammed Shafi draws certain “rulings” about the status of respect for parents: Till Jihad is a Fard al- Kifayah (collective obligation) and has not become a Fard al-Ain (individual obligation), it is not permissible for any son to participate in it without the permission of his parents Traveling for Da’wah and Tabligh or acquiring knowledge needs parentspermission espect for parents includes good treatment with relatives and friends close to them, specially after their death. Our Holy Prophet used to send gifts to the lady friends of Sayyidah Khadija.
The various ayahs quoted above, emphasizes our responsibilities to our parents specially when they get week, helpless and dependent in their old age or due to illness. The Quran reminds us of the struggle, pain and suffering that our parents, specially the mother underwent when we were week, helpless and dependent by saying (no. 3 in the list above): “ as they cherished me in childhood; In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth; in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning.”
The Quranic injunction “do not say to them, “Fie!” (uff in Arabic)” deserves some elaboration. It denotes every word or gesture or expression that shows one’s displeasure which would even include a long breath after hearing something that they have said. A hadith narrated by Sayyidna Ali quotes the Holy Prophet as saying “Had there been some other degree of hurting lesser than saying of Uff, that too would certainly have been mentioned.” We have been specially advised “nor scold them.” On the other hand we are enjoined “and speak to them respectful words.” The beautiful and lyrical verse(no.1 in the list above) “And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy” is very well commented on by Mufti Mohammed Shafi “lending the sense that one should
stand in a sense of submission and humility as a mark of respect for parents. The addition of the expression – out of mercy – at the end of the verse is there to warn that this stance of grace should not be a mere show-off, instead it should be adopted on strong foundation of genuine, heart-felt respect and compassion for them.” Realizing that we may not be able to do full justice to our parents Allah Ta’aala is guiding us through our beloved Prophet to also pray for them (no.1 in the list above) “and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both”. This allows us to serve our parents through out our lives, long after the their death. According to the traditional scholars, prayers for non- Muslim parents is allowed only during their lifetime to deliver them from worldly distress and in the hope that they may see the Truth; after their demise this is not permissible. I wonder, why?
So far so good. We have discussed the Theology and Theory of the status of Parents in an Islamic Society in the light of Quran and the Sunnah of our Holy Prophet. It is the operational part of this theology that really creates many practical challenges for us in modern life. This is magnified in places like India where 15 % of Muslims share their country with 85% of non-Muslims or where Muslims form 3 t0 6% in a secular, liberal and pleural society like the US. However in our hyper-connected planet, the Western concepts of demeaning age and discarding conformity have widely infected even the Muslim majority countries. Hence the application of the values discussed hitherto is very difficult if not extinct. Are these values really relevant to our times? A Muslim dare not ask this question as it is a dictate of Allah Ta’aala in HIS holy Book. Additionally it has great practical importance for the Muslims of the twenty first century. It ensures our moorings to our Deen. Relating to our parents, guarantees that we maintain a sense of direction without in anyway restricting our movements. It converts the celebrated “generation gap” into a “relay of generations” where a parent is able to relate even to his grand children via his children, metaphorically. Somebody respecting his parents will definitely see that his children respect their grand parents. A path is set — from parents to children to children — for a continuous and permanent transmission of our religious, family, social and cultural values over the course of time.
In the past, parents tended to control the children and even grand children. They regarded themselves as the executive Head of the family and were often accepted as such. I think this is against the spirit of Allah’s commandments. Nowadays, the pendulum seems to have swung to the opposite extreme. Now children want to decide what sort of parents and grandparents they want to have on the premise that the parents are outdated and fossilized. Even those who welcome them in their “house”, want them to stay away from their “homes”. This is a gunah (a sin) as it is a clear violation of Quranic injunctions and the sunnah of the Holy Prophet quoted above.
As usual the devil is in the details. What does “respect”for parents involve. Does it require complete obedience in all matters? What, when the children are mature and independent? Is it completely unrelated to the curriculum vitae of the parents? Yes and No. Whatever the credentials of the parents, their “person” needs complete and perpetual respect. They deserve tender love and care; they need consideration and respect in all the dealings. Their needs and comforts have to be looked after. They need special consideration in old age and disease. All these, just because they are the parents; whatever else they may or may not be. To repeat, this is Wajib/Fard on every Muslim. !
What about the views, ideas and thoughts of the parents on the problems of life? The parents are dictated by the Shari’ah to look after the needs of their children and to navigate them on to the path of our Deen; these are the rights of children over their parents; the parents are also required to be kind and reasonable. They will be accountable on the Day of Judgement if they fail to do it. It is a great sin and will make the parents “Aq”. The Holy Prophet has said: “The parents are liable to be ‘Aq’ in the same way as the children who do not fulfill the rights of the parents become involved in the sin of ‘Uqūq’ (plural of Aq).” “Aq” is a sin, the punishment of which is promised in the Qur’an and the traditions.
If so, the parents should and will suggest, guide and advise their children based on their views and knowledge. Are the children supposed to obey them? Is it wajib/fard on them to obey the parents in these matters even after they themselves are mature? The traditional scholars would call compliance mandatory even at this stage. This is the area, however where the relative qualities of parent and child — level of education, maturity, wisdom, experience, general knowledge , social, professional and financial status, strength of character, force of personality etc.— will have to come into play to make it pragmatic and prudent. Right after A-level I was useless as a parent to my son in professional matters as he had chosen Applied Physics and studied at Caltech and later Harvard. As against this I could advise my daughter all through her career because she was at the Aga Khan Medical University which was one the bases I worked. Given faith in Allah, a good balance and equilibrium can be established between the child and the parent in following the dictates set by God Almighty and the Holy Prophet. Initially parents are the only source of help, assistance, advice and guidance to child. Overtimethe relative position gradually changes and finally may take a full turn when the helping hand becomes the dependent hand. At every stage the parents should be, as dictated by the ayahs and ahaadith discussed here an important source of reference in important matters of our daily life. Most parents would allow children to lead their own life in most matters. However, they have a duty imposed by and a right given by Shari’ah to advise their children on important issues specially religious. In turn, the child is required by the same Shari’ah to deliberate on it with an open mind. If he differs on the basis of his knowledgable and expertise and is sure that his views are consistent with dictates of our Deen, Allah Ta’aala will hopefully forgive her/him if s/he respectfully refuses it. It would be very sinful, if it is done in a dogmatic, authoritative or arrogant manner; shouting at or scolding them will be, God forbid a major sin.
Aq al-Walidayn (Disobedience to parents) is a Msjor Sin (gunah-e-kabira) in our Shari’ah. A tradition of the Prophet says that the greatest sins are Shirk and disobedience to one’s parents. Associating it with Shirk which is an unforgivable and greatest of all major sins emphasizes the seriousness of disobedience to parents.“Aq” is a sin, the punishment of which is promised in the Qur’an and the traditions. The Holy Prophet has said: “Beware! Abstain from angering the parents. The fragrance of Paradise is perceived even at a distance of a thousand years, but those who are
disobedient to parents and those who cut off ties with relatives will not be able to smell
it.”
There are many ahaadith and profuse literature on the subject of Disobedience to
Parents and on the Rights of Children over parents. [4] ……..and Allah knows best.
May Allah Ta’aala bless us with true understanding–“fahm”–of our Deen, Aameen.
